I frequently wish to "talk cure", self-analyze my idiosyncratic emotional states, fears, beliefs away. The term "rational" to me means little in my psyche. Perhaps prostrating "in the air" to this notion would surrender a part of one's ego to it and therefore its inherent strength would live in one's psyche is one of the discoveries along my "groundless" state.
Many people have done much work to make psychological pertinent issues be resolved, like the design of computer games like Shin Sango Musou 4 (Special) is also a platform for increasing the strength of the ego, merging psychotherapy with entertainment--so much better in comparison with the Colosseum.
My people, the Taiwanese, desert me in attention reciprocation and therefore I am left here to ask for attention in public, without which consciousness would be lost and death awaits, for I cannot live out my id and expect it to be accepted here in Taiwan--for it has only one most-commonly unacceptable will--the will to express love or affection, but most directly, sexual intercourse with women.
My clear-cut style of self-expression is by nature the Daoist type although if Lao-Zi used any poetic mode of expression he would have released narcissistic sentiments and therefore have expressed himself in a way that is not in consonance with my adult personality.
I need to offend the superego who will belate me if I cross the psychic line of fear but that mode of living in extreme suffocating repression leads to respiratory problems, depression...my God, I am persecuted by my own superego figure...I even have to type it out in euphemism, Golly, this is when my words get emotional, I know its okay to express emotions, but I need to maintain my ego to a certain necessary degree.
I feel if I express myself in writing more and more often, my sense of self-worth would improve a lot more.
Kelsey Rinella, besides more emotive support from David Cornberg, is a special pragmatic and funny person whose personality is completely agreeable yet without narcissism...artists tend to be narcissistic, including me, in some sense, but I express thoughts or "the self" when I "toot ma hone" (trumpet, soy trompetisto). As of now, I am expressing myself with both subject and predicate without superego objection/rejection...sigh...my life is so painful and difficult that I can't accept my life as a kid or rather, my father wouldn't accept this--I want to watch porn...that was a joke.
"If you want to be a man, date real women". Hey, man, Soy Buddhisto too, I get shy, plus, I care about anuttara samyak-sambodhi. The truth is, only starting at the Mahayana level when perfect self-control has developed on the impulses that need to be controlled or tamed can one spontaneously relate with other beings in anyway one desires, where desire means compassion or Christian love. The desire to have lust over a woman in a negative psyche-TV-set to deny the fact that one loves the woman and therefore "does not wish to kill her through sexual intercourse" is both anti-Hinayana and anti-Mahayana in my opinion.
I have the secret to runny nose: crossing the line of fear from superego data of when the superego will be crossed. If I calculate more, there are reasons not to propagate this info but I need to publicly broadcast myself while I'm still on anti-psychotics. I am just trying to be frank here.
By the way, if anyone is an expert on this, I have experienced an unusual phenomena that other's will's taking effect as a phenomena can be warded off with accumulated semen/sperm/jing, like Shaolin feats through extreme sexual energy, where anti-psych's supposed effect from experience of "memes/information" only takes place under weak sexual repression state...I wonder if every effect the drug has is due to beliefs about it that is grasped with strong psychic energy or ......placebo effect taking place where a stronger energy-center person informs the patient, this will work, non-placebos actually have no inherent effect I believe, it is all energy-karma...who can clarify this up for me?
I became the emperor of my place through being a savior with only the intent to be an attractive person to attractive women who need to delude themselves that they are relating with respect-worthy people that they are not the type that relate with interesting and fun people, Jesus Christ, though beautiful in the asura women style way of the lesser sort, can't we relax and be? I suppose that is harder than making those delicious things that are here in Taiwan...oh, magnificent, simply splendid.
If you produce something, if people keep looking or give it attention, your life will be extended, hence Buddhas propagate their dharma, name, and so on, for sake of survival, perhaps not in the physical form. Eternal life is connected with eternal love, eternal survival, eternal attention, at least for me, so that's that. Chao. Or the need for attention to survive transcended where nirmanakaya is free to be abandoned.
I used to be open-minded only to David Cornberg, but now I have to practice Pema Chodron's "open mind, open heart"--yay, love.
Signing off, Richard in less fear-based-other-conscious language than Julie and Julia (italics deliberately ignored for sake of style of tantric mode of expression, that the emotive aspect of the ignoring has meaning in experiencing not the knowledge herein contained but also the person that articulated the knowledge).
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